[ e s s e n c e & s p i r i t u a l i t y ]
“The awakening of the heart fire often happens when we are at a crisis point and when the armour of our heart has to crack”. – Shiva Rea
// Notes on life //
For a long time, my flame was lost. It seemed nothing could ignite that fire within. Not academic achievements, not career successes, not friendships, not romance, not adventuring around the world, not even a million compliments.
I felt disconnected from everything. No matter what amazing, life enriching things I was doing or achieving, there was always an inner demon saying “It’s not good enough”… or better still “You’re not good enough”. It’s was a lifetime of nasty mind talk back radio and only in recent years have I understood its detriment. Struck down by crippling physical and mental illnesses, I couldn’t have been more separated from my very essence, my inner friend. There was nothing but hatred and loathing. I was either too fat, not smart enough, not cool enough. The list goes on. A lifetime of these thoughts has lead to me years of pain and suffering and it wasn’t until I really and truly could not bare a second longer that I saw the light.
I am grateful for that tiny little part of me that knew there was more to life. I knew that I wasn’t at all who I wanted to be and I was the only one to change that. I’m grateful for pushing myself through this epic funk and understanding that my heart is the rhythmic beat, the pulsing force of life. I had love to give and so much of it but I wasn’t delivering it where it was needed most. I knew there had to be a better way. Getting to the source of this pain was exactly how my healing began. I had to accept that these thoughts and behaviour patterns were no longer serving me. Negativity be gone…
“To change, a person must face the dragon of his appetite with another dragon, the life energy of the soul” – Deepak Chopra
Transformation takes time, and I have accepted that it will take a lifetime and so it should. Life would be stagnant if we didn’t push through the pain and hardships. I will always be pushing for something more, only now with sincere love and gratitude for the progress I’ve made. Instead of cursing my limitations and weaknesses, it is much more powerful to accept them with compassion. The more I practice self love the more love I can give and receive. The most challenging yet rewarding implementation of change was repeating affirmations. At first I thought to myself…this won’t work, I hate stuff like this, it sounds stupid. There was always a pessimist inside that would reject anything positive. But I knew I had to give it a go. And slowly but surely it paid off. Our minds truly are a reflection of our external world. Louise Hay’s, You Can Heal Your Life has touched and influenced so many lives and at this point in time it made so much sense to me. Her affirmations are simple yet powerful. Here is one of my favourites my from this spiritual guiding force:
“In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole & complete. I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know. Deep at the centre of my being, there is an infinite well of love. I now allow this love to flow to the surface. It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and it radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. The more I love I use and give, the more I have to give. The supply is endless. The use of love makes me feel good, it’s an expression of my inner joy. I love myself, therefore, I take loving care of my body. I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages. I lovingly groom it and dress it. And my body lovingly responds to me with vibrant heath and energy. I love myself, therefore I provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. I fill all the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included will feel this love and be nourished by it. I love myself, therefore I work at a job I truly enjoy doing, one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people I love and who love me, and earning good income. I love myself, therefore I behave and think in a loving way to all people I know that which I give out returns to me multiplied. I only attract loving people in my world, for they are a mirror of what I am. I love myself, therefore I forgive and totally release the past and all past experiences, and I am free. I love myself, therefore I live totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure. For I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more. All is well in my world.”
I spend most evenings reading new material and researching wellness. Instead of having my Facebook and Instagram feeds clogged with meaningless crap I like as many positive, vibrant, motivational health & wellness communities as I could. Over time this played a big role in shaping my thoughts. Check out my ‘Things I like’ page for all the people I called upon to help me along the way.
There were some HUGE changes happening on the inside for me and it was time I mirrored my external reality and aligned my values with where I was at in my career. After six years in the hairdressing industry working under the one roof, I knew it was time to spread my wings. Aside from facing my internal demons and braving physical pain, deciding to quit my job and move away again has been one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever made. The relationships I formed with my clients have been some of the most REAL and authentic I’ve had. With every ounce of my being, I loved looking after my clients. It was the best feeling seeing people walk out the door feeling a million dollars. It’s incredible what a good cut and colour can do to someone’s day. There’s nothing better than feeling fresh and polished. I have so much love for my clients, it was the hardest thing to realise it was time to do something for me. I needed to be selfish.. and honour my self. I needed to taste freedom and dance to my own tune. That tune is playing LOUD… it’s all happening!
Join me as I embark on yet another life adventure through Central America where I will be learning Spanish, surfing, diving, volunteering on organic farms and following bliss.
My trip starts off today sailing from Colombia to Panama .. the gateway to Central America. I’m looking forward to the colours, the sand beneath my toes, dense rainforest’s and the bluest of blue caribbean ocean. Can’t wait to share life’s pondering’s with you.
From my heart to yours,